II. IDENTIFYING THE STONES & LAYERS
How we all find ways to numb our pain and isolation.
Addiction of some sort is one of the most common struggles shared by men and women who end up imprisoned in America.
It’s very likely that the person you are building a relationship with in prison has suffered immensely through the chaos of substance abuse. Meth. Heroin. Cocaine. Pills. Alcoholism. Those are the obvious ones. But there’s also addiction to toxic relationships—codependency and physical abuse; to gang belonging, political belonging, the power, drama and identity these offer.
The perennial question many face here is “Why do people repeat behavior that clearly destroys their lives?”
In one sense, it’s an ancient question.
The Apostle Paul, who wrote much of the New Testament as prison letters, confesses the heart of this struggle in a letter to a group in Rome: “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15).
It’s also a contemporary field of important and ongoing study. So, to be clear: we are not chemical dependency professionals. Nor do we want anyone on our teams to feel they need to be—nor try to be—in order to walk with faithfulness alongside someone with addiction struggles.
And so, this month’s segment cannot honor the endless body of work written around addiction. Instead, we want to offer some new lenses through which to look at addiction. Not only your releasing friend’s possible addiction history and recovery road ahead, but also the hidden addictions in our own families, congregations, and personal lives.
The point in all of this, remember, is mutual transformation. That we find unexpected kinship with our incarcerated friend. That Christ will meet us as we more authentically meet one another, see one another. This is part of unbinding ourselves, gently removing the layers that cover our shared wounds, our shared humanity.
For this months’ group discussion, please
Read the two brief insights below
WATCH THE TED TALK ON ADDICTION & HUMAN CONNECTION
LISTEN TO THE BRILLIANT PODCAST EPISODE at the bottom. It’s quite possibly the richest, broadest conversation on addiction we’ve found. It may offend you, inspire you, but will certainly open new conversation and compassion.
Talk about how addiction has affected your own story, possibly your family or community.
1. ADDICTION AS SELF-MEDICATION—TO NUMB PAIN
Globally recognized addiction expert Dr. Gabor Mate says we shouldn’t be asking, “Why the addiction?” but rather, “Why the pain?”
Folks locked up for the chaos of their addictions are often survivors of immense traumas. Child abuse, violence in the home growing up, lack of nurturing environments, gang violence, being passed through the foster system like unwanted goods, broken relationships. There is shame and guilt with what has been done to them—and even more piled on from what they’ve done to themselves and others.
The heart of recovery work—and our role with in supporting our incarcerated friend—is not in managing behavior and sobriety, but creating a relationship of safety and curiosity to explore the root pains beneath the numbing behaviors.
Whether our friend is sober or relapsing, openly engaging recovery or trying to avoid it, our role is not to lecture, nor panic when there is a relapse. Our role is to continually build relationships of compassion and trust.
In this kind of relationship, healing of past and present pain can gently, slowly happen. The fears and wounds we run from with secrecy, drugs, isolation, anger can be opened—to God’s love, forgiveness, and healing.
2. ADDICTION AS ISOLATION
Recovery is about connection. And learning how to trust again.
Our friends at New Earth Recovery in Skagit Valley point us toward the video below and it’s profound statement: the opposite of addiction is not sobriety; it’s connection. Most of our wounds are interpersonal. So most self-medicating addictions (and the lies we believe) are how we deal with the pain of cutting ourselves off from others and the hurt we’ve experienced.
Our goal is not to become competent addiction counselors. What your team offers is a nest of new connection. New relationships.
Our incarcerated friend will hopefully engage their (often probation-required) outpatient treatment evaluations and groups. You can support them in that if they choose it. But again, you are not their addiction counselors or accountability structure. The magic and power of what we can do is engage in the kinds of deeper relationship that re-train the fearful brain into ongoing, safe attachment.
Our work is to be open to this bumpy ride of learning to trust each other.
As we admit how terrifying it is to come out from behind our middle-class “I’m-doing-great”-facades, we can appreciate how much courage it takes our releasing friends to risk vulnerability in dropping their addictions, street facades, and other survival behaviors that have protected them for so long.
This powerful video is the heart of this month’s learning module:
3. BONUS: ADDICTION IS EVERYWHERE
If you have time, treat yourself to the wild interview below that explores a new addiction angle on everything from shopping to political leadership. Watch with a friend. Listen on your podcast app while driving. While we can’t endorse all the opinions and even language in between these two unique minds, we think it is powerful to stir us into much larger thinking together.
You can listen to the episode on whatever podcast platform you use on your phone. Search “Under the Skin w/ Russel Brand” and find the “Gabor Mate” episode. Enjoy.
ACTION STEPS
WRITE YOUR INCARCERATED FRIEND: Tell him or her about how addiction has affected your family or friends. Or maybe yourself.
FOR TEAM DISCUSSION
What kinds of pain do you, people in your group, hide and numb in other normal, acceptable ways? How are these (while legal or acceptable) hurting you? How do they further isolate you from more authentic relationships with each other, the world, and God?
How can your One Parish One Prisoner team and wider community be like a “Rat Park” for your releasing friend with long experiences of isolation?
CONGREGATIONAL CONNECTION: If relationships can help with addiction, like the “Rat Park” experiment, can we try and make sure no one is alone at church? Keep your eyes open the next few weeks.
